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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.